If My Emotional Baggage Were Luggage, Here’s What It Would Look Like
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Welcome to Fine, I Guess Airlines, where we never travel light and we definitely did not pack just the essentials.
If my emotional baggage were actual luggage, TSA would pull me aside and whisper, “Ma’am, are you okay?” To which I’d respond, “Define okay,” and they’d nod and slowly back away.
But let’s unpack it. (Pun very much intended.)
✈️ The Carry-On: Childhood Trauma (Now in Vintage Corduroy!)
She’s small, but mighty. This beat-up carry-on with one squeaky wheel has seen some things. It’s stitched together with passive-aggressive family holidays and that one time someone said I was “too sensitive” in 1998. Inside: a perfectly preserved memory of not being invited to a birthday party and my need for external validation wrapped in a snack-sized Ziploc bag.
Color: Faded mustard with “I’m fine :)” stickers slapped all over it.
Vibe: Looks harmless, contains multigenerational grief.
🧳 The Overstuffed Checked Bag: My Dating History
This one needs two people and a prayer to lift. Every zipper is screaming. I insisted it would fit under 50 pounds but everyone knows that’s a lie. Inside? A collection of exes who “didn’t believe in therapy,” emotional over-functioning, and a strong Wi-Fi connection to red flags.
Luggage tag reads: “If lost, don’t worry. I’ll come back anyway.”
Bonus: Comes with built-in ghosting mechanism. Vanishes from the carousel just when you think it's safe to trust again.
🧼 The Toiletry Bag: My Coping Mechanisms
Looks cute, smells like lavender and desperation. Packed with retail therapy receipts, emergency snacks, five different moisturizers, and a half-used gratitude journal that stopped abruptly in 2021. Oh, and dry shampoo. Lots of it. Because why deal with problems when you can just look decent while spiraling?
Brand: Chaotic Good™
Contents may have shifted during your existential crisis.
🎒 The Backpack: Everyday Anxiety (Now Hands-Free!)
It’s always with me, even when I don’t remember bringing it. Looks like a stylish, minimalist accessory, but actually contains 14 worst-case scenarios, six different inner monologues, and the entire script of that one awkward interaction from 2007.
Bonus feature: Keeps both hands free so I can doomscroll and disassociate at the same time.
Logo: “Prepared for Nothing. Expecting Everything.”
🧂 The Emotional Fanny Pack: Petty Grudges
Tiny. Petty. Convenient. Worn across the chest like a shield. Contains detailed records of who didn’t like my Instagram story and every time someone cut me off in traffic and didn’t wave. Also houses a receipt from a friend who “forgot my birthday that one year,” which I say I’m over but will absolutely bring up after two glasses of wine.
Color: Burnt bitterness with an adjustable strap.
Waterproof for crying in the rain.
🎁 Bonus Item: The Souvenir Bag of “Growth”
Tacky. Earned. Smells like sandalwood and boundaries. Contains a few hard-won truths, several “I learned the hard way” t-shirts, and a return ticket to therapy. It’s the one I didn’t plan to pick up, but I’m glad I did. Even if I had to drag it through emotional customs.
Sticker says: “Not all who wander are lost, but some of us needed a map and a prescription.”
Conclusion? I don’t travel light. Never have. But at least my baggage has character. Wheels are janky, but the emotional zippers? They still hold. Mostly.
And if you, too, are lugging around a matching set of “what the hell happened,” may I suggest a soft tee and a hard truth? We’ve got you covered—literally.
🧳 Shop now. Because unpacking is optional, but being cozy is non-negotiable.