I Tried to Be a Morning Person. It Went About as Well as You’d Expect
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I’ve always admired morning people. You know the type — they wake up at dawn, smile at the sun, drink lemon water, and probably say things like “I just love the quiet before the world wakes up.” Meanwhile, I love the quiet after the world has gone to sleep and left me alone to scroll in peace.
But in a burst of misguided optimism (and caffeine), I decided to change that. I was going to transform my life by becoming a morning person. Because apparently all successful people do it. Oprah. Tim Cook. Probably that one girl on TikTok who folds her laundry like it’s an Olympic sport.
So I set my alarm for 5 a.m. and told myself, “This is it. My soft girl era starts now.”
Spoiler: it did not.
Day 1: The Delusion Begins
I woke up at 5:07 a.m., heart pounding, confused, and angry at both the clock and God.
The world was silent except for the sound of my own regret. I stumbled to the kitchen, made coffee that tasted like betrayal, and sat in the dark pretending to “journal my intentions.”
By 6 a.m., I had already checked every social media platform, bought a new planner I’d never use, and questioned all my life choices. But hey — at least I was conscious. That counts for something, right?
Day 2–3: The Productivity Mirage
I kept it up for two more days. I even took a sunrise photo one morning and posted it with the caption “new chapter ✨” — which, in hindsight, was a cry for help.
I imagined this would unlock a new version of me: calm, focused, unstoppable. Instead, I just felt… weirdly sweaty and deeply aware of how long mornings actually are.
By 8:30 a.m., I’d done everything on my to-do list and immediately wanted to die because there were still ten hours left in the day.
Day 4–5: The Bargaining Phase
This is when the cracks started to show. I began negotiating with myself like a tired lawyer.
“Maybe 7 a.m. is basically 5 a.m.,” I whispered into my pillow.
“Consistency matters more than time,” I said while resetting my alarm for 8:15.
I replaced my sunrise meditation with a 9 a.m. panic scroll and called it mindfulness. I started drinking coffee before getting out of bed. I told myself it was self-care. It was not.
Day 6: The Crash
On the sixth day, my body staged a coup. I woke up at 10:42 a.m. with my phone under my face, the alarm still softly buzzing like it was mocking me.
I shuffled to the kitchen, made a pity smoothie, and decided to “listen to my body” — which immediately asked for a croissant and a nap.
I had become a new kind of person: not a morning person, not a night owl — just… a perpetually exhausted pigeon.
The Aftermath: Radical Acceptance
Eventually, I accepted my fate. I will never wake up smiling at the sun. I will never finish a workout before sunrise or say things like “I get my best ideas during my morning run.”
My best ideas come around 11 p.m., right after I’ve convinced myself I should be sleeping. And honestly? That’s fine.
Maybe being a morning person isn’t the key to success. Maybe it’s just another thing we’re told to chase because we think self-improvement has a start time.
So no, I didn’t become a morning person. But I did learn that coffee tastes better when you’re not resenting reality.
And that, my friends, feels like growth.
Fine, I guess. ☕